From the MixedUp Files of Palpatine
by Lady Neeva
Summary: A  series of Short Stories about Rudolph S Palpatine aka Palpy. The rest is pretty self-explantory. : D
1. Chapter 1

From the mixed up file of Palpatine

Chapter 1

My master made me go throught 13 hours of training, and a lot of sparring and Holobook reading. Basically back breaking work.

At least he is better thanm my old teacher, Darth Petula, who made me do _twenty_ hours of sparring and had a rule against my use of lip balm.  
>Even my sis Randi(Randilyn S Palpatine. Everyone in my family have 'S' as their middle name, even Mom. It doesn't logically mean anything. Besides, I haven't seen my parents in, like, two years.) has a better mast than me!<br>I haven't seen Randi since the day I got a new master, Darth Plagueis, 6 months ago. It was supposely a birthday presend from Mom and Dad, you know, to get a new master. (Considering I've been getting stuffed animals every birthday. I have 11 in my collection.)  
>Master Plagueis is not THAT bad, I mean..<br>At least he give me an hour of break between sparring and Holobook reading!

Dear Rudolph,  
>The reason I haven't wrote in six months was because Master Petronella kept me busy. Mom and Dad made me use your first name, but they never said to use Palpy in the letter!<br>How's things going on? I'm bored to death. But since I'm going to the university next year, I have to study...  
>I send you a bottle of lip balm. May the Force be with you!<br>From,  
>Randilyn S Palpatine<p>

Thanks Randi, really. But Master Petronella kept me busy? Please.  
>Also, with the Berry lip balm... Did you get this at Shephora? So this is a sample?<br>You are so cheap.

A/N: I know this is really short, but I'll longer next time.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Randilyn,

Thanks for the letter. I haven't heard from mom _or_ dad for a couple of months. (By the way, where are they, vacationing on Coursant?)

I've also got a order in the mail: A new black robe. Whoo-Hoo!

Please send back a message as soon as possible. May the Force be with you!

From,

Rudolph S Palpatine

Whew! With that done, I can now do my homework!

Master Plagueis assigned me with the usual: write a five-hundred page essay about the Formation of the Republic due next week, another 500 page worksheet from my textbook on Algebra, and such.

Which reminds me, now I know why Master Petula outlawed Lip Balm: He is fatally allergic to beeswax and any kind of essential oils, so it fits.

But I still don't know why he outlawed Journals. For one thing, no one is ever allergic to _that_.

While I'm writing this, I'm also starting my five-hundred page essay about the Formation of the Republic; here's a small section of it:

_The Galatic Republic is the ruling goverment of the galaxy. It has been in power for over 24,000 years, born with the signing of the signing of the Galatic Constitution in 25,053 BBY during the Unification Wars. The Republic is led by a Supreme Chancellor-_

You get it.

I'll have to do a article on the Unification Wars after _this!_


	3. Chapter 3

From the Mixed-Up Files of Palpatine

Chapter 3

Master Plagueis took me to Ambria to visit Lake Natth, the lake that resided with the Dark Side of the Force, which makes me wonder, what do dead people(Master Plagueis will surly scold me for this!) do in the lake when they die? Do they, like, play Holochess or something?

Let's get back to the main point.

So, we traveled quite a while (Three days) to Ambria. When we arrived, all I saw was a...wasteland, with a couple of catuses there and there.

And so, Master Plagueis decided to go cheap and rent a bike, flew over the Tierveal Mountains, (with me clinging onto his waist. NOT fun.) and finally arrived at the infamous lake.

Which reeked of Garbage.

Nevertheless, Master Plagueis sat down and fingered his beaded rosary, chanting spells like a Witch of Dathomir for no apparent reasons. (Why is he doing that? That was NOT part of my training? Did he suddenly get intrested in spells because he thinks those women are hot?) Almost at once, a hssiss appeared, aparantly looking for food.

Then Master Plagueis Force fried it, dumped it into the Lake, and contining contacting spirits.

An_ hour _later, with no results, my Master got up, snarled 'Get Up, Rudolph' and huffed out. With me clinging to his waist again, and we made our way out of the Tieveal Mountains, and got our ships to get home.

So much for Dark spirits and Hot Witches of Dathomir.


	4. Chapter 4

From the Mixed-Up Files of Palpatine

**Contiuned after constant reviewing from AaylaKit. Took quite a while to think up this one.  
><strong>_1. Please describe one enjoyable trip you had with your family_.

Unfortunately, Master, my parents haven't had a very, ahem, enjoyable trip in like, my life. It mostly involves rattlesnakes and my older sister Randilyn's spray bottle on Korriban.

_Grade:_

_F. No Comment._

F?No Comment? Does Master Plageuis know that I haven't seen my parents in a YEAR?

It is if they dumped me here with this weird shaped Muun. (I know, I know, much better than Master Petula) And I haven't heard from Randi for a while. She sent me a bottle of jojoba oil and another lip balm about five months ago, but I haven't heard from her since.

I basically ended up using all the jojoba oil on a experiment involving my pet cockroach Torriban and Master Plagueis' lack of supplies. I also used my lip balm for another experiment.

_Write an essay about a book you've read:_

The book I've read was called Five little Chili's and how they Grew. It is explainably boring because everyone in it is so amiable. LOOK AT THE REAL WORLD, MARGUITE SAIDNEY, DO YOU THINK THE AUDIENCE IS _THAT_ STUPID? (Based on my experience as being a apprentice to a Sith)

Examples of why the whole book sucked:

When the door opened, Polly's heart sank. Instead of gentle Mrs. Henderson, the parson's wife, there stood Miss Jerusha, the parson's very mean sister. Miss Jerusha was a big woman with sharp black eyes and tiny glasses, which she wore on the tip of her nose. When she looked down her nose and over her glasses at Plly, all of Mamsie's questions flew out of Polly's head. "Well, what do you want?" Miss Jerusha asked sternly. "I came to see-I mean my mother sent me." stammeredf poor Polly. " And who is your mother and just where do you live?" Miss Jerusha asked, sounding very much like a police officer. "I live on Promise Lane," said Polly. "My mother is Mrs. Pepper." "Mrs. who?" Miss Jerusha asked. By this time, Polly was so scared she nearly turned and ran away.

Be real, Polly. If you were ME, you wouldn't survive sparring. In fact, by the second day, you'll be dead.

"It's clear you've all been spoiled from the day you were born. To think of how hard your mother works and neither of you do a single thing to help her," Miss Jerusha scolded. "Oh, please don't say that," Polly cried, and she burst into a flood of tears.

Polly is so absurdly soft-hearted. If I were her, I'll rip off Miss Jerusha's arm and stick her head in a frozen Hoth lake. I would've shouted RIGHT BACK at her. I would, oh, never mind.

"So Santa will knwo shich one is mine," she said quietly. "Will Santa know shich one is mine?" Joel worried. " Santa is very smart," Mrs. Pepper assured him.

Hogwash! Santa doesn't exist. Even my kriffing 3 year old cousin Pamela would've knew this by this time!

In Conclusion, Marguite Saidney's effort to gain fame and earn a gazillion dollars failed.

B. Not the best written article I've ever read, but at least you did not add 'So' in front of In Conclusion. Add more examples and cons.

Thanks, Master. Really, thanks.


	5. Chapter 5

From the MixedUp Files of Palpatine

Chapter 5

**This is a especially long one.**

My parents finally visited, only because Aunt Kamino (Seriously, that's her name) had a wedding. (She's on my mom's-Olivia Knoll's-side of the family)

I remember attending a few weddings when I was a kid, mainly with me being the Flower Boy and Randi the Flower Girl (Ugh). This involves painful cheek-pinching visits from grandparent-age guests going "Rudolph, you've grown so tall, even though the last time they saw you was two weeks ago, at Uncle Oscar Palpatine's wedding. Actually, I remember way back to when Oscar was engaged and at first, everyone thought his fianceé was a Tw'leki (awesome), then it was a Anzati (ew), an Ugnaught (even worse), and even Yoda! (WTF!)

while it turned out to be a really fat Echani women (who divorced him the next day when she found out what he was working for), I really don't get the rest of my family, like Ron and Naboo Knolls, obnoxious kids of an obnoxious aunt/uncle of mine. At yet another Mom's/Piano Teacher's/Son's wedding, (who has tatoos all over his forearm and hair to his waist) wedding a few years back, Ron and Naboo chased me and Randi around until the cake 'came tumbling down' on the Bride's head, followed by a spray of grape juice directly in front of the groom's pants.

Whereas you know what happened, the only thing good that happened in Mom's/Piano Teacher's/Son's wedding was that he got a nice haircut. With flames, Anyways...

Mom and Dad picked me up in their DMW and in the seats, was a bored and tired Randi, same thing with Ron and Naboo (!) My mom greeted me with cold ice-blue eyes (Like mine), with copper hair (like mine) pulled into a horribly done comet knot. My dad was wearing a baseball hat, only showing the tips of his bistre hair, listening to banjo music on his HoloPod.

I opened the back door and popped down next to Randi, whose Umber eyes were locked onto somethhing on her HoloPad.

'Whatcha looking at?' I asked grabbing a soda from a case next to her.

She glared at me with suspicious eyes and lifted her HoloPad until I could see she was watching reruns of Duffy the Anzati Slayer.

'Oh' I grumbled, then slumped down to my seat.

Twenty minutes later, My mom hurled everyone out of the car, handed me an itchy black suit, Randi something that represents a kimono (in the Nubian fashion, of course), with huge, pagoda sleeves so huge that one of them could fit _me_ in. (I'm 4'10. Randi's 6'. Go Figure) Fifteen minutes later, (After much screaming at my reflection in the mirror) mom hurled everyone into the car once again and after an interminable amount of time just driving, (My dad whined about gertting ice cream at McGregor's, Mom obivously refused until he started threatening) stopped in front of a what looked like a 100000000000 year old temple.

Randi and I just stared at each other. This is where Kamino is about to get married? And I thought she was affluent!

After Mom hushed us to a couple fo seat, when the ceremony had already began, I finally got the guts to ask Randi what happened. The next was not what I expected, since she exploded.

"Mom and Dad won't let me date matt Damon until I'm 22!" She wailed

All eyes turned to her.

Being thirteen, of course, I had little knowledge about dating,(And is Matt Damon some kind of actor or something?) but I did knew much about embarrasment. From the corner of my eye, I saw Ron whispering into Naboo's ear, pointing at _me_.

Force, No!

The next few moments were not easily forgiven, since a massive force hurled into the back my head, not enough to make me unconcious, but startled enough. I looked up, head dizzy, (expecting the worst) and looked into the glowing red eyes of Marcus Palpatine.

Force.

To this day, I still do not know why a Palpatine was doing with the Knolls, since my parents had this big argument with my grandparents before Randi was born, so relations were often disastrous. I figure it must've been the other wedding.

After 2 interminable seconds of staring into Marcus' eyes, my dad finally got up, got out his Hot Pink(Pink!) tazer, and before anyone could do anything, tazered Marcus right on the BUM, and yelled his victory cry, "No one is gonna hurt the son of Oliver Rupert S Palpatine!" and dramatically sat down.

Silence immediately followed, the procession carried along, until before the part where the bride and groom said 'I do', that was when the twist came.

Several dead bodies, (from the nearbt morgue, as we learned later) came crashing down on the Bride, and Groom, and the right side of the Temple. (The Knoll's) There were shrieks, screams, and a loud Kaboom! followed by a stench of dead bodies. During the mist of it all, I saw a very dishelved and bedraggled Kamino glaring at Marcus...

...And the rest, they say, is history. (And that where the infamous term, used frequently by the Knoll's, 'Over them Palpatine's dead body' came from!)

**A/N: My BFF attended her Mom's/Piano Teacher's/Son's wedding a few years back (and he did really have tatoos all over his forearm and waist length hair. By waist, she means midback), although dead bodies did not crash on the bride and her family, and BFF wore a polo dress instead of a kimono, you know, it can happen...**


	6. Chapter 6

From the MixedUp Files of Palpatine

Chapter 6

A/N: Updates are slim these days. Anyhow, Christmas is on our door! Enjoy!

_Write an report on Courscant's interesting buildings, petting zoos, and important structures._

I nearly died of laughing. Please, _'interesting buildings, petting zoos, and important structures'_? Last time I checked, the vendors didn't even have real hair wigs! (Even though I know you can get it for 16 credits plus 3.99 shipping on abarg. Decent enough. Don't ask why-hideous pudding bowl haircut. M'master)

Master Plagueis is obsessed with HoloTube, and that sparked up a frightful image of my master watching music videos at midnight. In fact, I even had a assignment in Echani to _'make an intresting educational video on cons of certain movies.'_ which reminded me: how many individuals in the galaxy can actually speak proper Echani? Weird.

Anyhow, I used my username, 'Cos da chet' to make one. I figure I must've done something wrong, since I got only 500 hits. Ah, life.

Here's the scoop: Cos was a sister of my great-grandma Palpatine. I figure her parents must've had the same conundrums with names, and that got passed on to _us_. Her full name was Costance, but anyone hardly remembered that. Her sister, (me great-grammy) was named Magdalena, aka Lena de chet. Sure, Magdalena is as hideous as Costance, but Lena was 'the hottest girl on the block' while Costance was 'da chet!'

Somehow, the looks didn't pass on. Blame it on genetics.

It may be Mom dragging me out during the wedding service, before I could change back into my ordinary clothes. I don't know, since Master Plagueis went on a, _should we say_- couch potato diet. While he's at it (watch repeatings of _The Nubian Holiday Special_ and gulging down gallons of hot chocolate), I set his shed on fire.

You can only imagine what that bought.

Anyhow, instead of holidays, I've got 'da chet'!


End file.
